A Few Thoughts On Life And One Big One On Death

It's been a while. I'm just trying to get my thoughts down, so pardon me if it isn't eloquent or doesn't flow very well. My last blog post was pretty dark. I haven't gotten around to writing lately. I've been pouring all myself into my music and work. No time for much else.

But here I am now at one in the morning, finding time to write...

There have been a few things on my mind. This post will cover two of them, and I'll leave the rest for future material. So, without further ado here goes.

The other day I was listening to 101.7 FM RadioU. They usually have some pretty good music, but at this particular time FF5 came on the radio, so I immediately switched to 99.7 FLR. Just as an idea of how much I hate FF5, the song that was playing on FLR was "This Is The Stuff," by Francesca Battistelli... And I let it play. Anyways, after "miss-Franky-bubble-fluff" got done spewing her rainbow-y nonsense all over the airwaves, the next song to come on was actually a pretty good one by Sidewalk Prophets called "Keep Making Me." I remember back in junior year of highschool, I would sing along to this song with all my heart. I really meant every word. In case you are unfamiliar with this song, here is the youtube link to a lyric video:

If you are reading this and haven't listened to the song, go back and watch the darn vid already.

(About three minutes go by while I wait for you to listen to the song...)

VERY GOOD!

Anyway, I used to sing that song with conviction and passion. But listen closely to what he asks for:

Brokenness. Loneliness. Emptiness.

I don't know about anyone else, but those are not things you want. I honestly think that he does not know what he asking for. I know I didn't. Because now I know the desperate pain of brokenness. I know what it is like to be shattered beyond hope. I know the desperate ache of loneliness. I know the hollow agony of emptiness. These things when truly experienced, are the very depths of pain. It is an excruciating, desperate, physical agony. It quite literally is Hell.

So next time you ask God to break you, beware. He may take you further than you ever dreamed possible. He may shatter you to a place where you will never in this life be completely whole again. He may pierce you so deep, the pain never subsides, never recedes.

I'm not saying that God is bad or wrong in any of this. God does exactly what is good for us. Exactly what we need. But the brokenness I know, the emptiness I feel, the loneliness I live... I would never wish this on anyone. I would say avoid it at all costs. Be careful what you ask for.

The second thing is something I was just thinking about today. I've been struggling with what to do with my life. I want music. I don't know how to get there. But honestly, I only want five or six things in my life: Comfort, Hope, Peace, Joy, Purpose, Love.

Now, having taken a walk on the dark side, like I say above, I have been changed in a way that I can never go back. I don't believe I will every truly be happy again in this life. I don't think I will find ultimate peace and joy in this life. Maybe I never will find love. Maybe the only comfort I will receive is that of my own tears. I don't know where to draw my sense of purpose from. (yeah, don't say "God." That's kinda a no brainer, and you're not thinking deeply if you give a cop out answer like that.)

So I came up with this little sage saying while I was pondering these things at work today (The stamping line is a pretty boring job.)

I find comfort in the fact that one day I will die.
I find hope in the knowledge that on that day I will finally begin to live.
I find peace knowing Jesus has walked this road before me, and is walking it again with me.
I find joy in that fact, and also in the expectation of eternity with Him.

I'm still working on Purpose. And I'm not really sure how to fit love into that.

But the realization that my greatest hope and comfort comes from the surety of death is both disturbing, and exhilarating. Because on the surface I'm beginning to sound pretty gothic. Very Halloween. But it is true. Because everything STARTS after death. I get to meet my Lord when I die, and honestly that is all I've ever wanted anyway. My hope does not come from this life. There is nothing in this earth that I value. Not even my own life. But I live my life with purpose, knowing that He has placed me here for a reason. I'm completely clueless as to what that reason is, other than the general calling on all Christians. But I hold fast to God's promises. He is faithful. And I cling to the hope of His word. One day I will meet Him. One day He will wipe every tear away. And I won't need an answer to my questions, because He is all the answer I will ever need. And in that I rest. Even when the agony of alone tears me to shreds. Even when the silence of God breaks my heart. Even when all I want to do is die, I can still have hope, and peace, and comfort, and purpose, and joy. And I still have a reason to sing. God is Love. God is Good. God is God. And one day I will die. And then I will truly live.