Often when I read of the biblical heroes, I see myself. Because, if we look at them honestly, they really weren't heroes. David committed adultery and then murdered the woman's husband to cover it up. Jacob lied, cheated, and stole his way to wealth. Moses was a murderer. Paul hunted down Christians prior to his conversion. Peter denied the Christ, and then later on in life shunned the gentiles until Paul rebuked him for it. James and John were impulsive hotheads. Elijah ran and hid in a cave. Job did nothing but complain against God. Solomon was all kinds of messed up. Samson was one very impressive, impulsive, violent mess.
In fact, if we look honestly at almost any biblical character, we can see that they all had blatant flaws. All of them screwed it up big time. No one is really a hero. We have certain men and women we look up to, we respect because of something they did or refused to do. Some of my personal heroes include Eric Liddell, Jackie Robinson, Abraham Lincoln, William Wilberforce, and Lacey Sturm. But even these had their flaws.
You cannot find a human being truly worthy of the title hero. Only Christ can fulfill that role. But I still cling to the lives and actions of these people, not because they are people that I consider so much better than myself, but rather because they are so much like myself. They stumbled and fell, they failed and broke. And in the end, by God's grace, they prevailed. It all comes back to God. If there is any human being worthy of our respect, it is only because God has worked in their lives. We can learn from their stories. We can draw encouragement from their failures and triumphs.
I was reading today in Genesis 32, of Jacob wrestling with God. Everything in that passage reminds me of myself. Jacob fights unrelentingly with God. He will not let go. He won't relent. He won't give in. Even when God cheats. I feel God often has to cheat to get our attention. He dislocates Jacob's hip. He puts Jacob in excruciating pain. And still Jacob won't let go. God literally has to beg him to let go, and then caters to Jacob's demands. Jacob holds on, demanding that God bless him.
Of course, God is God. And He could've worked any sort of miracle to give Himself the upper hand. He could probably have teleported, or rendered Jacob immobile. He could have done any number of things. But instead He met man on his own ground. And on man's terms, man prevailed. That fact bothers me a little. And yet, God still refuses to break away from the intimacy of a good brawl with His beloved. To work a miracle and give Himself the upper hand, I imagine God would have become distant again to Jacob. Instead God chose to stay where He was, on His back in the dirt, with man pinning Him down. He allows Jacob to win. And then asks Jacob to let Him go. He then caters to Jacob's demand of blessing.
In my own life, I feel I am fighting with God. Now, I'm not going to try to stretch this metaphor too far. If I tried, it would lose all the power and meaning. But I know I am wrestling with God. And in some sense I refuse to let go. I will not give in. Honestly, I don't think I know how to give in. And I feel like God is disjointing me.
It's like the Breaking Benjamin song Hopeless, when he says, "I cannot hold on- I will not let go." That's me.
For those of you unfamiliar with the song, here is a lyric video from YouTube. If you don't like metal music, I suggest you just look up the lyrics.
I don't know where to go or what to do. I don't know why I'm fighting or what I'm holding on to. I don't even know how to stop fighting.
And more and more I realize I don't understand this God I'm madly in love with and yet hopelessly at war with.
So here I lie, broken and disjointed, refusing to let go, demanding God bless me.
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