Some of you are probably thinking, "Why weren't you thinking about all that when you were 18?" I was. And I still haven't reached a solid conclusion. But the more I think, ponder and dream, the more I realise one thing- I don't want an easy life.
I know that sounds crazy. I know many of you are going, "This kid is an idiot." But I'm still a kid at heart. I still dream of conquering the unconquerable. I still have a cynically idealistic view of the world. There's this song called, "Hero" by Steve Taylor (yeah, not the Skillet one. Nor the song "Yo-ho Heroes" that he wrote for the Newsboys' Veggietales song.) Here's the song, though it is impossible to find a lyric video for it. I have include the lyrics here below the video.
When the house fell asleep there was always a light
and it fell from the page to the eyes of an American boy
in a storybook land I could dream what I read
when it went to my head I'd see
I want to be a hero
and it fell from the page to the eyes of an American boy
in a storybook land I could dream what I read
when it went to my head I'd see
I want to be a hero
chorus:
Hero
it's a nice-boy notion that the real world's gonna destroy
you know
it's a Marvel comicbook Saturday matinee fairytale, boy
Hero
it's a nice-boy notion that the real world's gonna destroy
you know
it's a Marvel comicbook Saturday matinee fairytale, boy
Growing older you'll find that illusions are brought
and the idol you thought you'd be
and the idol you thought you'd be
was just another zero
I want to be a hero
I want to be a hero
Heroes died when the squealers bought 'em off
died when the dealers got 'em off
welcome to the "in-it-for-the-money-as-an-idol" show
when they ain't as big as life
when they ditch their second wife
where's the boy to go?
gotta be a hero
died when the dealers got 'em off
welcome to the "in-it-for-the-money-as-an-idol" show
when they ain't as big as life
when they ditch their second wife
where's the boy to go?
gotta be a hero
it's a nice-boy notion that the real world's gonna destroy
you know
it's a Marvel comicbook Saturday matinee fairytale, boy
you know
it's a Marvel comicbook Saturday matinee fairytale, boy
When the house fell asleep
from a Book I was led to a light that I never knew
I want to be your hero
from a Book I was led to a light that I never knew
I want to be your hero
and He spoke to my heart from the moment I prayed
here's a pattern I made for you
I want to be your hero
here's a pattern I made for you
I want to be your hero
I wanna be your hero.
I wanna be your hero.
But that first verse is really the cry of my heart. I'm still that little kid dreaming of being a hero. I wanna engage in a fight. I wanna live life on the edge. I wanna be the underdog. I wanna come from behind. I want a hard, good life full of pitfalls and mountain tops. I want to work hard. I want to barely make it.
Honestly that's the kind of life I want. I want a "Marvel-comicbook-Saturday-matinee fairytale." I want seasons where I may not know for sure where my next meal is from.
Now many of you are probably getting really worried for me. So let me try to explain how I came to this conclusion.
Upon graduating high school, I was trying to figure out what college to go to, what to major in, what degree to get, etc... So I though maybe welding. I thought if I got my associate degree in welding and then my associate in Machine trades I would be set for my future. Not such a bad plan. But one thing happened after another and I discovered that I didn't really want that. So I hem hawed around for a bit, and after a while I decided to go to college to try to get a job as an optometrist. I took to semesters of college and hated it. I absolutely hated it. It was pointless to me. The classes were not so instructional as they were brain washing. Every class I took was an attempt to skew my world view towards a Godless left wing agenda. Every day it felt very much like this music video from Red "Feed the Machine." Here is what the band said about the song's meaning:
"We took a metaphorical stance with the song. In the song, "The Machine" is the world. It's more metaphoric, but the video is more literal. We actually use a machine and you see people being fed into it. More or less, the song is a metaphor for what the world is—how we feed those ideals and all of the bad things and how they just keep happening because we continue to fuel the fire. The video was basically people being fed into the machine and coming out shallow and hollow on the other end. They're all mindless drones to be assigned their job in the world."
Lie!
Turn around, they might be watching
And you never disappoint them
Hide your innocence before they see right through
You mustn't disappoint them
And you never disappoint them
Hide your innocence before they see right through
You mustn't disappoint them
You need the danger just to feel your heart beat
You need to die just to find your identity
You need a knife just to know that you can bleed
You need the pain now just to feel anything
You need to die just to find your identity
You need a knife just to know that you can bleed
You need the pain now just to feel anything
We fall in line, we live the lie
(Give up give up and feed the machine)
It grows inside, nowhere to hide
(Give up give up and feed the machine
Give up give up and feed the machine)
(Give up give up and feed the machine)
It grows inside, nowhere to hide
(Give up give up and feed the machine
Give up give up and feed the machine)
They pull you faster the cadence is calling
And you never fall behind
So choose a face you're only calling out
You mustn't fall behind
And you never fall behind
So choose a face you're only calling out
You mustn't fall behind
You need another death just to have a life to save
You need a master just so you can beg
You need a light just because you're so afraid
Now bow and learn to be a good slave
You need a master just so you can beg
You need a light just because you're so afraid
Now bow and learn to be a good slave
We fall in line, we live the lie
(Give up give up and feed the machine)
It grows inside, nowhere to hide
(Give up give up and feed the machine
Give up give up and feed the machine)
(Give up give up and feed the machine)
It grows inside, nowhere to hide
(Give up give up and feed the machine
Give up give up and feed the machine)
Sleep
Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep
Wake up!
Wake up!
Wake up!
Wake, up!
Wake up!
Wake up!
Wake, up!
We fall in line, we live the lie
(Give up give up and feed the machine)
It grows inside, nowhere to hide
(Wake up wake up and kill the machine)
(Give up give up and feed the machine)
It grows inside, nowhere to hide
(Wake up wake up and kill the machine)
Wake up wake up and kill the machine
(Wake up wake up and kill the machine)
(Wake up wake up and kill the machine)
So yeah. That's kinda how I feel about this "American Ideal" of "gotocollegegetawhitecollarjobearnlostsamoneysoyoucanbecomfortableandwellfedandhaveahappylifeandlotsofcooltoys"
But that's not the life I want. That's not my ideal. I wanna change lives. I wanna make a difference. I wanna be a "rockstar" but not for the sake of being a star. I wanna touch people with my music. I want them to hear my songs and find hope to keep living for one more day. I want them to hear my name and go, "There is someone who knows what I'm going through." I want them to get to know Jesus by getting to know me. I want to live like Jesus did. I want to be on the road unsure of my next destination, not knowing where I will be sleeping next.
I don't want a high paying job. I hate money. I hate the machine. And I want to break with all the stupid little hoops they make me jump through. I wanna walk a hard road. I wanna be a hero. I wanna be a lion uncaged. I wanna run rampant in the world. And if I find myself destitute on the streets, what the heck. I can minister to people there to. I will consider myself blessed.
Now, there's nothing wrong with the life of high society. But, I mean, I look at those around me that have comfortable lives with a comfortable income, and like, man, it's boring. What a boring life to live. If you like boring, that's great. But it's not for me. I don't want to have it all figured out. I wanna figure stuff out as I go. I wanna learn how to fly the plane as it's stalled out and diving towards land.
As most of you know, I had a rough week a couple weeks ago. I crashed my car. I went to the hospital. I lost my job. All in the space of two days. Not fun. And for a bit there, I was complaining and frustrated at God. But then it hit me- this is exactly what I want. God blessed me with the opportunity to work with Nathan Mallay doing construction. And I absolutely love it. I love working hard and getting dusty and sweaty. I love seeing things grow beneath my hands. I love sawing and nailing and cutting and building. It's awesome. It's hard work. It's good work. It's unpredictable and incredible.
And when I move from that to something else, I'll be happy too. All I want is to make enough money to continue making music. And sometimes to not, because what would life be without low spots.
There's another issue that is posed by this life style though- an unpredictable life is not a good life for a family. I want a family. But I'm loving life so much now that I don't need a family. All I need is Jesus. And if God wants me to have a family in the future, He'll help me with what I need.
Honestly, I'm not interested in any girl unless she wants to live a reckless life with me. I'm thinking those are few and far between.
But right now I feel on the cusp of a mountaintop. I am in debt, working for myself, still living at home and half crippled, and loving every minute of it. Because this is the fight I've been looking for all my life. This is the testing ground to find out what I'm made of. Life hits me hard, and now's my chance to come back swinging.
No comments:
Post a Comment